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| All I can do is laugh. Everything is so backwards...and on fire. I want a new job a lot, but for some reason I can't take any steps. So many other pieces fit in the way they needed to, but this is the one making all the mess.
I'm watching Romeo and Juliet...the angry speech on love by Mercutio...I dunno. Something about this movie just seemed right today. Andrea reminded me today that I might have the capacity to love. I've been so hopeless about it all lately because I can't seem to get anything right. But at the same time, I've never really wanted to. I think even now, at most times, it's only because I feel like I should be with someone that I want someone. And more than ever before I want one person, not just a person next to me. I want someone who gets me on the roof to stare at the stars (and I suppose I mean famous people in this case).
This is all so lame. I have so much to share right now but to put it into words reminds me how quickly it all has changed and will again. So anyway, WORK. I need new work. There's just no happy medium. I hate my job. I could have been great at it...I could have been impressive and many things would have turned out differently, except that my boss thinks that everytime I talk to a guy we're going to cause drama. It's funny because it's true, but since they know nothing of it, they have no reason to treat me this way. All I wanted was to be given the time to learn the things I wanted to know. This said, I have to move on. I promised another year...but with the turn of the economy and all, they'd more than happily let me go. So where to? I can get informational interviews with people in music at Universal Music Group, in post production at Sony pictures (and probably warner brothers). It's odd for it to be easier to talk to these people than at the smaller studios...but talking isn't getting me a job. I want to be around music more in any way but I just feel so out of it and unmotivated. Part of me needs to be laid off from work, but I'll only end up waitressing again. I wish I remembered what used to motivate me, or if anything ever did. I feel like I've been creating a lot of mess just so that I have something to clean up. I need to figure out something that works. I know that regular exercise does help, but with these fires I can't really do much.
Beyond that, church has been helping me a lot. I don't really agree with much of what is said, but it does make me think more about it all. I still can't leave behind the fact that my friends are my world. Though this means my earthly friends and my earthly world, I'm here. I'm here with a huge capacity to care and a minuscule, but growing, capacity to love, and being told to pick favorites. Love everyone becomes love everyone of God. I remember him saying specifically that everyone that is not your brother in Christ is not your brother. To think, people sitting there ranking faith, ranking goodness...especially in such a close analogy. The moment was meant in comfort to allow you to distance from evil, but what is evil really? Ignorance is still listed as evil which is unfortunate. There are times when things don't work. I still feel like my biggest distance from God is in my misunderstandings with love itself. In this teaching, if I die tomorrow, I'm not likely Heaven bound because, though I want to love, I don't know how. I don't really think putting my hands up during service changes anything. In learning of love, I've found that it requires full honesty with others and more with yourself. I'm being pushed into a small group from church and am trying to find someone to start one for young girls. Things are a mess and I need support...I've been humbled in that respect. I want to figure it out on my own, and I do well, but I could probably do better. This of course will all depend on the interpretation of everything said, and my mood, because as soon as I feel some sort of judgement, I'll run. This is what I know of love.
Why doesn't he just say he's in love with her in this movie (or in my real life mess for that matter)? Why is it so hard to be honest about anything? A drink and to bed with me. With this heat I need something to knock me out.
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| Well. Last night I left a party to sit at home being depressed because I realized I'm very uncomfortable being happy. I was starting to enjoy myself and then they all went in the hottub(not like that...church function) and I just left. Now they all probably think I have some weird anxiety about water or bathing suits...when actually I am just scared to get to know them all. Plus I have nothing positive to say. When I talk about something related to my job (sale or rental), I'm happy and detailed. When I talk about being there, there's just nothing happy. I can't take working with Jonny anymore. It makes me hate myself and it's not worth surviving bills if that's all I'm doing.
It's also killing me that James (my best friend from Full Sail) won't call me back. It's been almost a month...I saw him, we had fun, and I talked to him once after that and not since.
The Plan:
I need to work out so I get all this bad energy out of me. Tara goes for walks in the morning and said I should join her, and I got permission to use my friend Seth's gym anytime I want (it's matt's gym too technically,but it's a small world and I just don't care).
Also I need to start being more impulsive. None of my impulses are necessarily good to spread, but I need them to get out.
-K
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| So I'm sitting around watching Sex In the City....life. I'm glad that I'm to a point with myself where I no longer consider sitting at home watching sappy movies over wine and poorly made dinner to be wasteful.
I worked in rentals 3/4 of the day today. With Jonny...just me and him. He told me he loved me. It was really funny. I had that moment where I had the option between laughing and getting ready to punch him, and still managed to settle happily in the middle with no facial change. I just...don't even know. I spent the day realizing that I hate my job. It's a waste of my skills and talents. I'm a very passionate person with a lot to offer. I can instill passion in people I've met for 5 seconds and make them think I matter (I've been getting progressively more proud/cocky). But I can't make someone fall in love with me. All I can do is offer the best of who I am, which oddly I've never done and don't think I'm ready to do. In the same right that I noticed months ago that Jonny wasn't that into me, maybe he was noticing I wasn't that into him or nervous I had something else going.
Ok no, but it's funny and cocky me now entertains such ideas.
I'm working too hard for the new guy...not that into him, just being me and thinking that what he wants in me is better than what I'd have to offer on my own. Sad...we were doing well when it was just him and me....damn roommates and the stress of all that.
On a completely different level, I've fallen for my roommates. They're so great. Melissa went home for the weekend and baked us lemon cupcakes and gave me free range with the icing! And then Jp has been listening to me go on and on about what crap guys are to me. He listens, he doesn't talk much, he doesn't really give advice beyond the complimentary. We talk about movies and he stays hopeful about his dreams. Melissa too...trying to help me with this growing up thing. Both want me to quit my job. Both let me be a drunken asshole. Both still respect me to at least some extent....and if nothing else, they remained entertained with me, and I appreciate that. I'm worried I'll never be this close to comfortable living out here as I am now. Nick would be fun and nice and mandi would be fun, but I dunno what I'm gonna do without these 2. Their honesty is inspiring in this crazy city.
Went to another premiere last night...Devolved....SO bad. Anyway, it was weird. All the actors were TINY and awkward and it made me happy. Then I went to Molly Malone's, which was my old place to go with Kaity before she left. I talked to the fiddle player again because he makes me smile...and Annette bought me a drink in celebration of Kaity's liberation from her pre-marriage and this city to the streets of New York. It was the hardest drink I've taken in a little while. Partially because it was my second irish coffee and far from my second drink overall...but in the end, Kaity and I were helping each other and she's gone. Jon Stewart is gone. And I'm...here? Falling for the temporary, and slowly but surely realizing that that's all it ever is.
I was meant for this city. I'm pretty sure. I've never been one to expect or hope for things to stay the same, and that's exactly what I've found here. I think I need to start living out the reason I came here in the first place. I wanted to be able to jump around from job to job, pointless guy of interest to pointless guy of interest, apartment to apartment, friends to friends. Maybe something will stick...if not..well...at least it keeps things interesting. And the day I'm boring is the day I go crazy or die.
-K
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| I just had a great "date" ?
Went to Bob's Big Boy because there's nothing relative to Eat N' Park this side of Ohio, and then to this little Mexican place because it was the only open bar. One drink! I'm getting better.
We talked the whole night of movies and books and music. Of being music nerds (he went to a New Year's thing with Jeff Thatcher???) and life. It was really nice having someone to talk to that read the tipping point because they wanted to, not because their parents or teachers made them. He committed my normal faux paus (sp?) before I even had a chance..."oh, we should go see _____ months from now." "You'd fit in well with my roommates," after talking about how screwed I am in August with nowhere to live. I dunno. I had a really good time. I wasn't drunk and he wasn't drunk and we still enjoyed each other's company, and I haven't let anyone do that in a long time.
It's kind of sad how hard it is on limited budgets to find people that are entertained by the same amazingly lame and cheap things that I am....but I'm starting to find them.
My favorite things to do:
- There is a church festival down the street from me!
- I haven't paid for a movie in at least three months, and I've seen tons.
- Getting pad $70 to watch the Melrose Place pilot before everyone else
- IKEA breakfast which is free to $1.99 and aweeeesome
- Farmer's Market down the street. 5 lemons for a dollar! I didn't know what to do with them, but I just put them on everything now.
- Downtown Burbank...thank you Matt for introducing me to the greatest area to start a life out here if you can pay the rent
- church...so cool...and there's free food
- my roommates. They're an event in themselves and I love them.
I'm cutting my hair on Sunday. I dunno what it's gonna look like, but it was that or a tattoo...and I still don't know that I want a firedancer on my foot forever.
My life is crazy right now. I have no idea what's going on. I have no point of reference for what I'm thinking, and I don't mind it. I wish my dad was better, but he sounds ok...just shouldn't drive. I'm taking it in waves.
I found a disney cd bangor made me and it made me sing loud and hard in the car...I don't think I'll ever listen to anything else.
I'm going to the beach tomorrow for a BBQ after a movie. I really need alcohol less with the weekends I've been having and the people that are accepting me into their lives. That's an important thing for me to say ot loud.
Sometimes iTunes just knows...."Everybody's free..." into "You and Me Song" from Romeo and Juliet and then Jason Robert Brown and "Long Long Road". The second was always my song for my sister for some reason.
sleepnowkbye.
-K
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| Huge setback.
I've been doing so well with this whole "I really miss him, but it needed to end." And then I saw Twilight and completely wasn't paying attention to the movie. All I had to do was dance with him...more than once...probably only twice. Rather than be there, and dance, and hold him tight, I talked about how some people may not dance until their wedding. And the other time I wanted there to be music or something and pulled away...And before all that, with that stupid song, because he was trying to get my attention.
I don't think it was him that wanted out so quickly..I just never really appreciated what he was giving me. I can understand why he didn't think he could be what I wanted, because I was too scared to enjoy him. It's tough knowing now that he doesn't care, but I need to keep reminding myself that I partially, for some reason, wanted this to happen. Even since the beginning, I was setting him up to be something unimportant and something that would go away quickly. So again, I'm scared of long relationships because I still have trust issues and would rather run than completely give myself. I think maybe at some point I will, but it wasn't with him. Now I'm just hung up on him because he doesn't want me, so now I can chase him.
Meh. I need to be his friend. and max's and matt's and chris's (someone I'm sort of interested in). I need to be friends and then date and then date to be in a relationship...and maybe then I can let go..and even dance. I just really hope I get asked to dance again.
-K
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